Transition Waiting to Happen

How to Introduce Sex Toys in Polite Conversation

2009-08-05T22:06:00.016-04:00

Or... what I did Saturday night. (This one's for you Kevin!)

Please understand that normally, I am a shy, reserved individual who has nothing but compassion for her fellow man/woman. And after you buy that line, I have some more shit to feed you about how it was "not my beer, Mom", I was "watching the deer and couldn't get home on time, Mom" and "yes, I baked those cookies", future ex-husband!

Anyhow, as I make new friends in my new (almost 8 months) location, some people have just not learned that I have a memory like an elephant. It is only good for stupid crap, useless information and impertinent facts that have no relevance whatsoever to modern day discussion.

That being said, don't ever tell me that you don't have a "xxx". Doesn't matter was "xxx" is, if you don't ever want one, don't tell me.

Case in point. Two of my fellow female co-workers are playing on the company softball team. They play 2 nights a week and some Saturdays. The three of us have become decent friends, if not good friends (or we were before this) and have named our little triangle the "Sisterhood of the Golden Vagina". I felt it was appropriate when, last week, I wrote "Man Eater" on the back of one of the girls SUV windows! The other girl wrote "heart breaker" on a side window, it got to the discussion about how men are only good for...1) reaching things in high places (that's mine!) 2) taking out the trash and 3) scratching that itch. This conversation went from the parking lot at lunch, back to the office where we IM'ed (LOVE that may job has IM company wide!) until I thought I was going to pee my pants! Hence the discussion of.... sex toys.

I will freely admit to having been to a couple "adult toy parties". And I have that "this is the bag you must move if something happens to me, before my parents get here" pact with friends! Hell, I'm almost 40. One time, when I was in my early 20's, my mother, my "other mother" and I almost got kicked out of a candle party because the candles were, well, phallic. It was a bonding experience, but I digress.

In our IM discussion, which I wish I had archived, it was noted that I have a 96 pack of AA batteries in my refrigerator and co-worker "one" had never seen such a thing. They were a gift, but not in "that" way. My folks came to visit once and were pissed that my remotes didn't have good batteries (I rotate them...teehee) and went to Sam's Club, as retiree's often do, and bought me a huge box of them. Like I was preparing for a hurricane or the recession...

Anyhow, I stated the facts that yes, I had batteries, and who didn't?!?!?! WELL... coworker one didn't and coworker two stated that every girl should have a "jack rabbit" (I don't, nor will I ever). That was enough information to send us into fits of giggles and a request to "get to work over there". And, it was just the nugget of information I needed to lodge away.

Last week, plans were made to celebrate coworker ones' birthday after the softball game on Saturday. There would be a few people, but not the whole team. Which made coworker two and I to wonder... what should we get her for her birthday! Turning 31, being a single mom... what does every girl need??? Did someone just shout "a housekeeper"??!?!?!

Saturday morning, I headed west to shop (I have to drive over an hour remember) and I mapquested "Pricilla's" which is now "Cirilla's" which is stupid as shit. After doing my own shopping AT TARGET (pervs) I stopped at the "toy store" and started perusing the "toys" and found that... dildo's have really gone up in price in the last 5 years. Seriously! And apparently the technology is to die for, as one of them cost... I shit you not... $87. If I'm going to pay that much, the damn thing needs to paint my toes, take me to dinner and do my laundry!

Needless to say, I bought the cheapie, $36, "My First Jack Rabbit"! No lie. I wanted to look around at all the novelties, but the dude going through the $3 DVD table was creeping me out... mumbling under his breath, "got it", "saw it", "no, no, no"..."maybe".... just freaky. And then, like the idiot I am... I get to the counter and the checkout girl says... "do you need batteries?" and I'm like..."no, it's not for me" whereby I choke and say, "I mean, it's for my girlfriend" at which point I'm stammering and say..."Oh never mind..." to a girl who looks like I've just committed some cardinal sin. Seriously, bitch, you're working the counter of a sex shop, do NOT look down at me! I'm paying that $7.00/hr wage there!

Anyhow, giggling to myself, I then head to a music shop that I hear has seriously off-color cards. Tim (or Lea, tell Tim) watch out because our card war is ON!! I bought her a card that said something about "heard you wanted a big dick for your birthday" and the inside was this really unattractive man saying "Hi, I'm Dick!" Slightly distasteful yet humorous!

Off I go to the softball game (which I missed but that's a different story) and on to the restaurant/bar where there are 6 or 7 people waiting. I assess the situation for small children and/or parents (none present) and bring my tasteful birthday bag to the table.

Coworker two and I are convinced coworker one is going to kill us. She's sort of shy, but built like a brick shithouse and blond (bitch!) but not very confident and has these preconceived ideas of being "good". So not my typical friend material, but hey... you take it where you can get it.

After a drink, I decide it's time to spring the gift on the girl (who is sitting beside a potential beau) and prepare myself to RUN, jump a fence and dive for the car. I will give her credit, she didn't whip the box right out of the bag, but moved the tissue paper around, looked up at me, looked around the table and said... oh... then..."where are the batteries because I know you have a ton of them!" Touche, young one, touche!

The guys all thought it was awesome that we did this, although no one was surprised that it was I who had to go to the store and not coworker two! I'm big city, ya know. After a while, discussion ensued (and yes, we all voted the "Dolphin" a users choice award) and then we all agreed that we did NOT want to know how well the birthday gift worked (at least the women didn't... I don't think the men could stand up at that moment). The gift giving worked out MUCH better than I thought (I envisioned tears, swear words and food being thrown).

So I shall repeat... never tell me that you don't have "xxx", because that, my friends, is how I interject sex toys (or "xxx") into a conversation with several co-workers, a few strangers and two serving persons! Never let it be said that I don't share the love!

The Tail of Two Pussies! (OR, OMG, all I have to write about are my cats!)

2009-07-16T21:26:00.027-04:00

Original? Nope. Slightly off color? Of course! You would expect nothing less than for me to use the word Pussy in as many inappropriate ways as possible. I aim to please.

Beware, this blog is a lame excuse to use the word pussy way too many times.

I promised myself I wouldn't get another pussy until I was sure that it would be the best thing for Rocky. I just didn't want any more chaos and upheaval in her life! Or mine for that matter. My ability to love small furry pussies was really put to the test when Sammy died. Having another just wasn't for me!

I call BULLSHIT!

I came home after spending the Memorial Day Weekend in Minnesota to find a stray kitten on my door step. It was a sweet little black kitten who clearly belonged to someone. The first night, I tried to ignore her and went to bed. The next morning, here she comes, apparently having slept the night under the neighbors porch. She followed me around the yard, across the street to the neighbors and every morning she was there. By day 5, I was feeding her and petting her and I believe it was day 6 that Lea in SC named her and I was hooked. However, I just couldn't bring myself to bring her in the house.

About this time, the landlord FINALLY decided to finish the driveway and put the apron in so I could stop parking on the street. Seriously, this was a big deal! They were also doing little odds and ends in the house. I reminded them several times, do NOT let the cat (singular) out of the house. Well, here comes little Bella, hanging around the door and they figure... oh shit, we let the cat out. From what I hear, they called my office, couldn't get me, called a few of the people I worked with and finally got my friend in HR who said, "Oh no, she only has ONE cat. The other one died." By this time, they had chased Bella around the yard, finally caught her and thrown her in the house. It was about that time I called them back and said, no, only one pussy for me, boys! In their alcohol stupor (I came home the 1st night to find beer cans in the yard!), they then had to find this black pussy somewhere in my little house. They got her out, but the neighbors thought they'd pee themselves laughing at the antics.

I then decided that I could only have Bella in the house if I took her to the vet and made sure she was disease free. I mean really! Who wants a diseased pussy in the house? It might contaminate my other pussy and then I'd be without my pussies and who wants that! Bella got a clean bill of health and the next day, I brought her inside to her own little room where she just slept and slept for 2 days straight.

Meet Bella, my second black pussy!

The vet figures she is about a year old, she is clean, no fleas, no ticks, she's spayed and now she has a new home. She likes moonlight trips to the bathroom and squeaky mouse toys. Her dislikes are shallow people and generic cat food.

I gave her the "box" room (get it? I kill me!) to live in the first week or so, and then I stressed every night that she and Rocky wouldn't get along. I didn't realize how right I was!

Poor Rocky! Someone new in her house that growls back. One night, we had a pussy stand off from across the room. Rocky behind the stereo speaker, Bella in the box room doorway. I had to turn the TV up because the pussies were hissing so loudly! Totally disruptive.

Every day, things got a little better, but Rocky still wasn't thrilled. One day, I came home to find this...poor little Rocky trying to suffocate herself in a laundry bag. I had read the warning label, but it only mentioned small children, not 9 year old pussy! I saved her and she had a treat and we all went to sleep.

One morning, I woke up to find this flying around my computer room like chicken feathers...That's not speckled shag carpeting (surprisingly!), my friends, that's black and gray pussy fur... from a real, all out cat fight! Oh yeah... my house rocks.

The pussies aren't exactly curled up laying together when I get home from work. In fact, yesterday, I had to take Bella to the vet for a split toe nail (claw?) and she came home doped up and attacked a brand new bag of deli rolls! But that's OK. I'm now a two (or is it three) pussy household. And I couldn't be happier!

Wow, Where have I been?? Oh that's right... F'ing Tornado Alley!

2009-07-10T22:52:00.011-04:00

I see now that I really have been remiss in my blogging! Living in the country tends to make time move slower, traffic move more slowly, but the aging process is the same! Reality has a new perception (or is that perception is reality!) and I guess I've been busier (read: more LAZY) than usual! I still, however, have all my teeth. For a while, I thought not having them would be a prerequisite. Thank God it's not! We have dentists here, just no hygienists. True story.

I went to get my 6 months teeth cleaning at a dentist recommended by the lady I bought some furniture from. I walk in, thinking I'd see the hygienist and then the doctor would come in and it would be like all the other dentists I've visited in my adulthood. But no. The doctor actually did the cleaning. I, of course, had to ask... "do you always do your own cleanings?" to which he responded, "oh, that's right, you're not from here (haven't heard that 3 bazillion times in 7 months)." He goes on; "I've been in practice since 1984 and when we started here, the old time dentists always did their own cleanings. I thought I would continue that. But in 1995 I got me a hygienist(I didn't make that up). She's still here, but she's the only one we've been able to hire. They just don't come back once they go to the city for school". True story. I couldn't make that shit up. AND.. he didn't floss me. How weird is that?!?!

I am still obsessing about turning 40 in 3 months. And I still haven't sold my home in Indy. I have made a few friends, dropped a few acquaintances and generally acclimated pretty well. I've been to Omaha, where I foisted myself upon unsuspecting friends of a friend of a friend (thank you Chris), who then decided he'd meet me (thanks Kevin) and generally only knew me because of the cute little car I drive (now PAID FOR!!!)

I think the low light of the last 3 months was when I had a cookout with my neighbors and a coworker. All are in their late 20's, early 30's. The two girls have sons, age 10, so I was able to amuse the kids with Guitar Hero and PS2 games they brought. We generally had a good time during the worst heat wave I have EVER experienced. I hate humidity and I hate to sweat. Add that to having to socialize and play hostess and you had one hateful bitch (me) who had to change her top 3 times because she sweat through it. Hormones I abhor thee (or that's my claim!) This was also the evening where my neighbor announced he wanted to set me up with someone. As a rule, I am VERY leery of being set up. As a rule, dating in North Central Missouri is not at the top of my list. But I thought... eh... OK, I'll hear this. What the hell.

Someone remind me of my rules, please. Dude wanted to set me up with his DAD. And no, it wasn't a good thing, people. Not when I refuse to grow up.

Other than that, I did the Relay for Life in the town where I work. It didn't last 12 hours, there was no drinking (we did in MN!), and I think there may have been 12 walkers left at 5:30 AM. I was resplendent in my purple and teal madras plaid shorts complete with purple crocs for the pre-warm up mainly because...... I don't give a shit what people think. And also to bring some humor. It worked. They ask me almost daily where my ugly golf shorts are! Hey, I wore them to a baby shower too and I looked just as hot (without the crocs).

Right now, I'm trying to avoid going to any more amateur baseball games with friends. It's pitiful lusting over baseball players that could be your own child, for Christ sakes. I'm also lusting after my neighbor, but that's a whole other ballgame...LOL! He's renovated the house next door to me and now he's looking for a house to renovate FOR ME! Because I'm cool and he wants me to date his Dad. Actually, if I were truly the COUGAR I aspire to be, he'd be my pool boy. However, I can't afford a wading pool from WalMart right now, so it's pointless! Useful in fantasy, pointless in real life!

I also have an addition to the family, which I will blog about shortly... I must ease myself back into the drill. Plus I'm knitting another baby blanket. I'm living the country life, remember bitches? I've got mad skills.

Some People shoot for the moon....

2009-04-14T22:06:00.003-04:00

I accidentally shot my neighbors the beaver this morning. And a very white moon as an added bonus.

I really didn't mean to.

I got so used to going into the mudroom/utility room in my night shirt some mornings, when it was dark out. I would get clothes out the dryer (come on... you know you do it too!) and then get in the shower.

I guess I forgot about DST or the fact that it wasn't overcast and raining. And off I went to get panties, no less, out of the dryer. And as I'm bending over, I realize... it's very light outside and I can hear a car running... and as I turn my head to the left, I can see said car very distinctly in the morning sun.

I snap to attention, so to speak, and look out the GLASS DOOR that leads to my utility room. The FULL LENGTH glass door.

I'm not sure they saw anything, and thank God it wasn't a Sunday (I don't discriminate on days I dress out of the dryer, ya know!) but I am surely going to have to find a sheer curtain for this window, or switch the way the door to the dryer opens.

Because I am NOT getting fully dressed every day before getting clothes out of the dryer.

Heee... TMI Tuesday.... played out in real life!

Time for a Laugh

2009-04-13T22:34:00.004-04:00

I haven't been much in the mood to write. We're undergoing a computer conversion at work, and the hours I have been putting in have been excessive. But it's temporary, and that's all good.

I received this little ditty today, from a cousin. Much like Chris and his guinea pig video (I think) I will watch this a giggle for days to come!

A clarification

2009-03-24T23:33:00.004-04:00

I felt the need to clarify my post yesterday. You know, restate like the newspapers do?

For the record, I contacted all references before she moved in. They all 3 gave me good references. Then... after the "incident", I contacted those 3 references again and one of them had, in the time between giving me a reference and my follow-up contact, been scammed as well. She, apparently, doesn't keep all e-mails and such, like I do, and had no way of getting hold of me. She didn't remember my name, etc. But, in her defense, all of this happened to her and I at approximately the same time.

And, that, is the round about way of saying... I'm truly NOT gullible!

Hi, my name is Gullible!

2009-03-23T21:56:00.007-04:00

And no, that's not my stripper name!

There is nothing in the world as shocking as realizing that you are a complete and utter buffoon. And naive as hell.

What, you asked, has prompted this opinion of myself? Well, before I left on my wonderful trip to Omaha, I received an e-mail and phone call from a woman in the UK. She wanted a reference on the woman I had as a house sitter.

If you recall, on January 11th, I posted about making friends and finding good things (blah blah gag) and a whole load of OTHER CRAP that turned out to be bullshit because my house sitter lied, didn't pay me and abandoned my house around February 1st. That's just the short list.

I guess you could say I've neglected to update a few things lately, huh! Although if you read my facebook updates that weekend in February that I had to rush home, you probably would have wet your pants! Funny for you, a-fucking-amazing for me!

Anyhow, around February 1st, I quit hearing from my OCD house sitter who couldn't figure out how to turn the stove on (honest to Gods truth, a co-worker saw the text!). About the same time, she didn't send her "rent check" or answer the phone, return e-mails, texts or messages. Like any good home owner (which apparently I am lacking that trait) I called my neighbors and friends and asked them to check the house out. Clearly, no one was home, the house was locked up tight, but... to my amazement... all my stuff was still there.

Over the next week or so, until I could get off work and head out there, my mother says... "I hope she's not dead in the house" which just proves the fact that my family puts the FUN in dysfunctional just as well as the next family. I almost shit myself when she said this. For the love of GOD... just freak me out a little more, why don't ya.

I headed to Indy and by the time I got to the state line, I had been convinced by several friends and family members to have the police enter the house with me. I called the non-emergency line, fully expecting to be laughed at hysterically, but no... she was professional and courteous. And sure enough, two 12 year old boys dressed as police officers (I know, not nice) helped me to enter the house (I accidentally tried to go in before them and they just stood there looking at me, and I was like... oh, you should probably go first, with your flash light...and oh...nice piece.) and found all to be well and good. Nothing stolen (like I would know, I have so much SHIT in that house!) and nothing trashed. I got VERY lucky. And technically, I was only out the money it cost to rekey the house and get a new garage door opener. Very minimal.

I took it upon myself to contact the 3 references I had gotten and tell them my lurid tale after it all played out. Amazingly, one responded back that she, too, had been taken advantage of. They had been friends for 20 years and my house sitter tried to hook up with this woman's husband. Wow! Can you say unbalanced? Then I heard from the family of the house sitter, who wondered if I knew where she was. Uh, NO!? She disappeared, just like that. Gone... without telling her family. Of course, that was after she took money from them as well.

So, when I received a call from the lady in the UK, I couldn't stress to her enough to RUN... RUN AWAY from any business dealings with the notorious house sitter. And sadly enough, this lady had lost some big dollars, as she was about to fly her over to be a Nanny in the UK. No way in HELL I would let this woman near my house plants.

But I didn't know that in December. And when I talked to the police in February, they said I could only file a civil suit against her. Which made sense. She had broken a contract. But now... I'm wondering if there's not something that can be done because she went overseas and tried to scam this woman out of money. Just wondering.

And really, I feel gullible as hell. But it happens, right? And no, I don't want to buy your beach front property in Wyoming!

Goodbye Good Friend

2009-03-22T14:29:00.008-04:00

I lost my best friend yesterday.

Yes, he was a cat, but he was with me for 11 years. Looking back, he was with me for the start of the BIG transition I made by moving to Mississippi and recreating myself.

Sam was a big black cat born in Mississippi. So, of course, I named him Sambo the Black Cat. It seemed appropriate and bordered on being just a tad politically incorrect. He was so small when I got him. Long and lanky. And then he started growing. I would put him in my backpack and we'd walk around the small town I lived in. He was such a good kitten. And grew into an even better teenage kitty.

When I moved him to South Carolina, he didn't weather that transition all that well so I got him a sister. While they never cuddled together like I imagined, they did at least sleep in the same room or on the same bed. They grew to love each other, or so I'd like to think. And I know they loved the trips we made to Grandma's in the big truck. And hiding in Grandma's house, so she thought that they'd run away. Cute little babies! Always playing tricks.

After 5 years there, we moved to Minnesota. Both kitties loved that house because it had stairs and a basement. My basement kitty would disappear for hours, hiding in all the holes and nooks that house had. He loved the big picture window where the birds congregated at the bird feeder I put up.

Then off to Indiana. Not a great place for the 3 of us. It was, however, the place I took the most pictures of my babies. Soon I will download them for my own collection.

Inevitably, he would sneak out every Halloween in every place we ever lived. I suppose it was being a black cat. But I think it was also part of her social personality! He wanted to get out and explore.

Missouri is not going to be the resting place for Sam. This wasn't his home, although neither of us really had roots. He passed away asleep in the bed next to me, the place where he'd always sleep between 3 AM and 6 AM. He went peacefully, and he waited until I got home from Omaha and got at least one good evening to lay on the couch and pet and brush him. He missed his Mommy, but he waited. I told him two weeks ago that I didn't know what I'd do without him. Guess I'm going to find out. Both Rocky & I will find out!

For people who don't have pets, my tears are hard to understand. I am grateful to have made a few friends in my new town, friends who understand. I'm grateful to the wonderful people at the animal clinic who hugged me when I broke down in their waiting room. And the vet who gave me piece of mind as I was worried about Rocky.

Sam was my best friend. He was always there for me, always on my lap, on the bed or in the kitchen. His love for his human was unconditional. And while he was very temperamental with others, he never failed to be loyal to me. Everyone wanted to pet Sam, to love and hold him. But he only wanted his mommy! I am going to miss him so much. Rocky misses him too as she walks around the house searching for him. I never wanted this to happen, but I'm glad it was peaceful and that I was home.

Rest in Peace, Sammy. Remember what Mommy taught you: no playing on the counters, no peeing in the potted plants and for the love of God, no hissing at the angels! They just want to love on you!

I have a gray eyebrow (hair)?

2009-03-16T23:22:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted since February 2nd. I must have gotten a life, you say? Hell no. I found a gray eyebrow hair (or is hair redundant?!?!?) and no, I'm not checking south to look for more grays! That's just wrong! Freaks! I just thought you should know what I do in my spare time!

This is like a mini-to do list on the refrigerator!

I have to remember to post about the following:

1. Bad house sitter/House on the market.
2. Auction in town where the house sold for $30K and I bought a lamp and made a friend. And became a car lot for a few days.
3. New shoes... always a good topic.
4. Hmmm, yeah, not much going on.
5. OH... Aqua boot camp... my latest craze! Fat chick in a pool. It's hysterical. And could be the reason my hair is a lot lighter right now.
6. The weekend I woke up in Vegas.
7. The weekend I woke up and there was a car abandoned in my back yard...

Stay tuned....

The fine art of partying...

2009-02-02T21:09:00.009-05:00

should not be done in front of anyone with a cell phone. Michael Phelps may be an Olympic Gold Medalist, but clearly not a rocket scientist. This is where he went wrong. Well, that and he was hookin' up at the University of South Carolina (Go COCKS!).

The dude is 23 (24?). I don't think we were all Pollyanna's and didn't think he'd part take in the puff-puff-give of life as some people suggest. He was arrested for DUI after the 2004 Olympics, while underage for alcohol. Not a choir boy! I personally think we just all thought his body was a temple and therefore he'd not drink, smoke or eat pop tarts (I know, that's shit's just un-American... no pop tarts...)

This is the real world. Even President Obama said that, as a young adult, he tried recreational drugs, but just didn't like it. I know, hard to believe... a politician telling it like it is...

I will not get on my soapbox to debate the use of recreational drugs. I won't give my opinion on how they affected my teenage years, or... how they DIDN'T . (wink wink)

But I will say this... I have learned a lot over my years and want to share...when partying with someone with the lung capacity of Michael Phelps, who can hold his breath for what seems like hours... get in line for the next hit ahead of him.

Superbowl Pregame..YOU SUCK!

2009-02-01T16:24:00.007-05:00

I'm a huge football fan. Don't know why, can't help it and can occasionally pull some very random, unimportant facts out of my ass. It is therefore no surprise that I have been camped out in front of the TV for about an hour, watching the Superbowl Pregame. Some of it has been interesting, some informational. But NOTHING prepared me for this...

Meet the new lead singer for Journey. I knew there was a new singer, in fact I asked my friends who saw the show in Indy to tell me how he was. I like Journey. Have them on my iPod. But as I stood in rapt attention in the middle of my living room (yes, I took this picture off the TV with my cell phone), all I wanted to do was scream... "ENUNCIATE DAMN YOU". I suffered through the whole version of "Don't Stop Believing" only to find out that the new lead singer won this high, exalted position through... and this is a fact...

A YOUTUBE VIDEO

I could have lived my whole life not knowing this... No matter how nice the story is. Back to the couch.

Hell no, camel toe...

2009-01-28T22:08:00.006-05:00

Guilty pleasure fact #1: I love me some Jessica Simpson. Every once in a while, J Simpleton makes me feel like the sharpest tool in the box. But honestly, I think she's one of the prettiest (and half-baked) women out there.

But now... dammit, she's giving the big girls a bad rap. This is what they call fat in Hollywood (or some county fair in Texas):

The only thing worse is the other picture that I just couldn't even copy... it just hurt my feelings. And my coochie. Pain by association.

You can go here to see the other dozen pictures or so. I couldn't look anymore... I was too busy being pissed off that a size 12 is fat. And trying to determine if she was wearing spanx.. cuz she should!

Economies of Scale

2009-01-27T21:31:00.014-05:00

I wrote a blog about my day of shopping and all that. And as I read it, I thought... really? How lame are you? Thank God you didn't post it, loser! I was bitching about clothing companies not having much inventory and some idiot at the bar at Olive Garden "witnessing" to the bartender. And I thought again, really?? This is what has become of my life?

Apparently I shouldn't have asked myself that question! My life is not lame, but it ain't lighting any fires either. So, to combat boredom, I went out on the great big town I now call home. And for the record, I now consider myself smokin' hot and probably the most eligible single lady in town! I was rockin' in my 10 year old sweater (maybe 12) and green cargo pants (I wanted to be comfortable, sue me! I was also a tad bloaty, if we're getting personal!) And what happened that night? I confirmed that I will NEVER find a date in this town. Or at least one I'd be seen with in public! There wasn't even opportunity for hookin' up! That I would admit to afterwards, at least.

Some of you know I have a detailed list of rules for dating. It's changed over the years. But as I was having my 3rd beer and hoping the crowd would get better looking (damn you beer goggles, they didn't) I realized that due to the economic downturn, I probably need to realign my criteria for 2009. For those of you on Facebook, this pertains item #22 on my notes.

1. Must have a job with income level higher than mine. Revised: Must have income level higher than my last unemployment check.

2. Must have own vehicle. Revised: Must be able to use own vehicle instead of hiding it in the garage to keep from being repo'ed.

3. Must have teeth. Revised: Must have teeth... no compromise. Having dental insurance is a bonus. Brushing them daily (2-3 times) is required.

4. Must own home. Revised: Must have clear cut reason for living with mother. "Because I can, she needs me and my ex-wife has the house" are not acceptable reasons. Renting is preferable to living at home. If you're living with your mother, you probably don't meet revised criteria #1.

5. Must be family oriented. No revision, only clarification... being on the wall of the Post Office due to owing back child support does NOT make you a family man.

6. Must be similarly educated, or at least focused on a future which includes retirement, not being a WalMart greeter. Clarification: Taking a class on interviewing skills at the Workforce Development Office does not count.

I realize that these may sound callous. Hell, I'm allowing for the current 7% unemployment rate nationwide. Surely someone will meet these criteria!

I work in a community where the median income is $25K. That's because no one lives in town. The rich farmers live outside of town, or everyone moved away!

I live in a town where the average education level is 10th grade. Farms must be run and there are Amish! I grew up in a rural type setting. I guess you'd call it a hobby farm (10 acres or less according to local real estate wording).

I've dated guys with mullets (IN THE 80's). Do I really have to do it again?

Needless to say, the weekend was an eye-opening experience. I've been saying, "when the weather breaks, I'll meet people". Now, I'm not so sure. I have plans to bring my golf clubs back from my summer home. But seriously... I think I'll be posting a lot about shopping...

There is good out there...

2009-01-11T11:15:00.007-05:00

Sometimes friends come out of the weirdest situations! If you know me, you know that I probably should have been a barmaid the way people talk to me (or a social worker, therapist or writer!). I've never met a stranger, so to speak. Sometimes it works, sometimes it bites me in the ass. But sometimes it takes a "like situation" to bring people together.

When I set out to move and had the house situation to deal with, I took a leap of faith and went onto Craigslist to see who was looking for a room to rent. I also visited Housecarers.com to find a house sitter. And I stumbled upon couch surfing, and met a great guy who I would have totally been friends with had I stayed in middle America. He didn't bat for my team, Mom, nice try!

At any rate, I found Princess Leia. She was looking for a room to rent, and I thought... what the hell. I answered her craigslist posting and asked her to take a leap of faith and read my e-mail. I could have been a freak (let it go, people) or lying or anything. But we both let our guard down and now she's staying in a mostly furnished, paid for house, in a nice subdivision. And I am getting only what she was willing to pay for a room to rent, which should cover the utilities.

But that's not the point of this post. The point is this... there are people out there that will take your money, defraud you, charge your credit card for 25 cents and ignore you in a moment of need. And there is so much of that these days that I want to scream. Yet, in my little cocoon of a world, I have found a new friend from a craigslist ad because I wasn't afraid. I was reasonably careful and cautious, but I had no fear. Granted, sometimes she's a little too cautious with my house, but she's treating it as her own. I don't know that for sure, but I feel it to be true. And I have a signed contract!

I wasn't sure I wanted to post this. I really wanted to give praise to my friends who support their friends in their times of need. I wanted to thank the people that helped those passengers of flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson. I wanted to shake the pilots' hand because he was calm and cool. I could just see myself after hitting birds... I'd be all freaked out, cussing, saved for perpetuity on that damn black box dropping the F bomb and m-f'ing the birds and creation! But my point is; people raced out to help. And watched on TV, and posted on Facebook. They weren't afraid to share and I'm sure someone helped another out inside that sinking airplane and maybe, just maybe, they met a new friend. I'm not a Pollyanna or anything, but I'd like to think that happened.

I'm not the only bored one in this town!

2009-01-08T19:47:00.003-05:00

I got pulled over today by Cowtowns Finest (at lunch to be exact) for having a headlight out. I can't control my day time running lights, it only went out yesterday morning, and it's been freezing out. I would have fixed it, and I actually have the bulb on the passenger seat, but I felt that frost bite was a good enough excuse to wait until it warmed up to 60 by tomorrow.

While I'm being screened by the local Barney Fife (ma'am, do you know you have an Indiana driver license? No, really? Shit, that must be the dead womans ID I stole... GAH!) ... what goes by us, down the middle of a state highway? At 15 MPH?I know no one is surprised. But what got me was that behind him (her?) was a freakin' semi and a minimum of 5 other cars. And do you think my new friend Barney did anything? Nope. He just stood there, looked up, raised his eyebrows, and kept on giving me a friendly warning. That just did NOT make my day. Because, by the time I got back to work, everyone in the office knew that I had gotten stopped and they all wondered just how fast I was going, or... get this... if I had gotten caught passing on a double yellow (apparently to get past motor scooter dude). Yet ANOTHER reason why I'm not living in the town I'm working in...

Good Old Facebook

2009-01-07T19:53:00.005-05:00

I get this friend request today from someone I really don't know. And I think... hmmm, maybe I do know him, and just don't remember. He could be single and rich! (I have given up on hot... holding a job and breathing right now are acceptable. I may even accept "lives with mother" in these harsh economic times but I doubt it!) so this was my response to his request.

Give me a reason I should accept your friend request. Needs to be either amusing, truthful or... just good. Or, it could explain how I should know you but don't know you because I was wasted a lot in high school.

Think I was too... sarcastic? I'll let you know what happens!

Update...

It would appear that this was a fellow high school alum. Who had apparently changed his name after graduation. Which I knew, but promptly forgot 15 or 20 years ago. I think he used to beat my brother up on the school bus. Or.. that may have been me beating him up and this kid stopping it. It's all a blur. Not important.

What I then remembered is that our Moms are still good friends and I need to start paying attention (somewhat) to things my mother says on the phone instead of relying on the fact that she repeats stories a minimum of 3 times. Opps, I forgot Mom reads this (and will appreciate that smart ass comment as the prose that it is and not a dig). Otherwise, I would have remembered his name. Because she really likes him. I think. Dammit. Now I'll have to ask!

Simple like me...

2009-01-06T20:54:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in a while because honestly, I've been working and lounging (aka being lazy as hell). I did do some shopping on Saturday in KC, watched people drive around on motorcycles and in convertibles (not me, I'm a wuss) and then freeze their asses off Saturday night when it dropped into the 20's! Hee! Sunday I didn't leave the house (so glad the company is paying for that "Y" membership!)

Anywho...Last night I got a wild hair and I cooked dinner. Really and truly cooked. Without a recipe. On the stove and in the oven, from scratch, bitches! Stop laughing.

So tonight, I reheated dinner. In the microwave. We have those in the low rent district, ya know.

In the process, the paper towel got off kilter, so I opened the nuker and readjusted. And watched and realized, the damn thing was now rotating counter clockwise. So I hit pause, hit start and damned if it didn't start rotating in the clockwise direction.

I did this so many times (4 each way) that I over cooked my broccoli. But I amused myself for 3 minutes and 13 seconds. And that's all that matters!

And if you tell me you already knew this, I will call you a liar. This has to be a special microwave. Don't play me!

***** UPDATE *****

I am not the only one to have done this. Thanks MOM! This explains it all!

And it also explains why I like Christopher too!

Happy New Year, Bitches!!

2009-01-01T17:30:00.025-05:00

For 2009 (also known as the year I turn fucking 40 and no I'm not bitter), as I adjust to life in MO, I would share with you my newly acquired frugality that has come from losing my job, finding a job, owning a home and having to rent a home at the same time. And having no where to shop like a jackass. Unless you count on-line. The UPS man and I will be on a first name basis. God, please make him HOT! And maybe a chubby chaser? Which reminds me... check out Stephens' blog and the greatest quote ever and posts that makes me snicker every time... (And thanks for the sweet comment!)

Here's where I'm living... opps, that was my former life....although they are basically the same color... but my rental doesn't have a garage that I packed with shit and never organized... I can't park on the driveway unless there's snow on the ground because they regraded the street and the pitch (?) is too steep for the Princess mobile to manage. I think the big window on the left was the garage. It's now my bedroom. The back yard is basic, and wet, with a little deck. I didn't trudge out there to take a picture. But someday, I'm told, my $500 a month will get me a parking pad in the alley in the back. You heard me... $500. I used to spend that at Target in a month (not really Mom!) But I could have. If I wanted. Because I'm a princess! This princess has learned that she really doesn't like to rent. But I'm dealing. Or at least that's what I tell myself, every morning, in the mirror, like that dude on Saturday Night Live, the one that is still counting the votes in Minnesota? Please tell me you know who I'm talking about...

This is what I can buy at work! For 50 cents and $1.00, respectfully. Actually, the hash was an over-run (I'm going to separate and freeze it!), so I can't get it for that little that often. And the gravy, well, that's the price always! I can also get frozen meals, bags of sweet potato fries, regular fries, butter, oil, spaghetti sauce, chili, stew, hot chocolate, pudding and of course, the hit of Christmas this year... Vienna Sausage. Yes, stand up wienies in a can (Thanks Tim, for that new phrase!) I must admit that working in the facility that makes all this stuff really may change my eating habits, but for now, it's a novelty. I haven't broken down and bought an industrial size can (5 gal) of nacho cheese... yet! Only because G's husband turned it into a sexual fantasy (for himself, not me!) and now I just giggle when I see it! Mature, huh? You should see the looks I get!

As for the New Year, I'm done making resolutions. Right now, I need to focus on a few personal items such as finding a hair stylist, maintaining a life without artificial finger nails and the big debate... is it time for a new car? And if I make them into resolutions, they won't get done. I'm about 4 weeks away from a hair appointment, so I'd better get crackin'. Today, I joined the YMCA (and sang the song all the way to the front door without arm gestures) because, one the company pays for it and two, they were offering memberships at 10% off! I heard that and couldn't wait to get up there! Coupons are my new friend but I will NEVER, NEVER like shopping at WalMart. And why, God, do I continually get Kyle, the checkout guy with a lisp that wants to tell me about his Jeep all the time? Really? What the hell did I do that I shouldn't do in '09 so this will stop!?!?

I wish everyone one of you (OK, there are 5 that read this!) the best this year. I learned a lot in '08. I lost a lot but I gained a lot too. I hope 2009 brings you all that you ask for, that you work for and that you deserve. Of course, I'm not responsible for karma. Even though it, and myself, can be a real bitch! Tee!

Somehow... I got tagged!

2008-12-22T22:14:00.007-05:00

Only for Stephen, and Chris, will I succumb to the tagging. Although where I am now living, tagging pertains to deer and the quantity of them you can get in a season!

And while I thought to blog about my shitty ass weather (-6 this AM) I was going to blog about my new cat sitter because honestly? I couldn't make this shit up. But that will wait for another day.

While voluntarily answering the tag and not tagging anyone else, because it would just be a giant cluster circle of tagging, I would be remiss if I didn't wish everyone a very merry and JOYous Holiday Season. I'm only being PC because it's the second night of Hanukkah and I'm looking forwards to celebrating Kwanzaa on Friday. In other words, I haven't shopped yet! But shit, look where I'm living. Back to the point...

The rules are: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Post the rules on your blog.  3. Write six random things about yourself.  4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.  5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.  6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Chris set the bar too high (or blogged at work) and therefore, I'm not adding pictures...

1. My middle name is JOY. For years, I hated it. I was teased with "Joy Jelly" and other relatively inane nicknames. But then... ah... someone started MARKETING my middle name. And I now have enough ornaments, wall hangings and Christmas tea towels to decorate 3 trees and 15 bathrooms.

2. I want curly hair. I don't know why I tell you this... some of you don't even "know" me. And those who do, well, you know that I "straighten" my hair every single day unless I'm truly lazy. But I wanted hair like that chick on TV that cut her really long curly hair short. I'm having an senior moment here...

3. I used to write poetry and my mother thinks I should be a writer. (She also thinks I should find a man, get married and settle down, but she won't say it out loud!) I like to pay the bills. And another Jen Lancaster I will never be. However, should an unforeseen bout of unemployment come my way again, I will market myself as the best letter writer ever and find a market for thank you notes, sympathy cards, eulogies and the like. Because that's what I do for my moms! So I should get paid.

GAH! this is harder than I thought!

4. While I was unemployed, I posted a "services" posting on Craigslist and didn't even get any pervs to hit on it! I thought it was awesome! I thought for sure someone would want to hire me, part time, short term to be their "Girl Friday". I was sadly mistaken. And still pissed off that I didn't even get pervs to hit on me!

5. My cousin is an extra in the newly released "Seven Pounds" movie and the soon to be released "Star Trek" movie. That's all I know... I'll fill you in after the Christmas Dinner that should be a story in itself.

6. I stole my mothers car when I was 14. This is prefaced by the fact that I had NEVER stolen anything in my life, I just tended to tell a lot of "stories" and was threatened repeatedly with Catholic girls school (we weren't catholic) if I ever had a boy in my bedroom. Or maybe it was "if I catch you with another boy" in your bedroom. Don't remember. But anyhow, I pushed the car, a 1980's Dodge Colt with no muffler, out of the garage (tuck under kind) while my father was "asleep" (aka passed out) upstairs. And then I drove around town, stopped at the ATM machine across the street from the police station and drove through the high school campus and picked up friends all the while thinking that no one in the town of 3500 would SEE ME. I did this for 2 days, I think. Was I invisible? No, just an idiot. And then I lied when I got caught. I told my mom she must have had a hole in the gas tank. I was smart enough to go buy munchies at the Convenient Store, PUSH the car out of the garage, get money out of the ATM, but NOT check the gas taken. A hole in the gas tank... hee! Not funny then, but pretty damn funny now... because look how I turned out, MOM... all those experiences were for the GOOD. And are exactly the reason I never planned on having KIDS. That whole "ten fold" thing, ya know!

Happy travels to those traveling. And if you're not traveling... I am so jealous!! Merry Merry!

Beet Juice. Really.

2008-12-16T21:18:00.020-05:00

I'm on day #7 of my new job, day 10 of living in MO and a couple of times I've thought..."I'm living in the twilight zone"

I should recap last week. Maybe it would help me work this out in my head. Then again...

Day 1: During a smoke break, a girl who works for me tells me, "don't trust anyone". Really? Does this include yourself? I realize that I work in an all female office, in a town of 3000 people where everyone knows everyone. And I praise myself for choosing to live in a town 20 miles away. I probably am not as anonymous as I want to be, but hell, I didn't get laid in Indy, what are the odds here?!?

Day 2: Go to open a local checking account. Am told that I shouldn't use a local bank because then "they" will know how much money I make. I'm guessing "they" means "everyone"... Went to the company store, bought lunch for the entire week for $7.25. Woo Hoo. Have a migraine and sleep from 5 PM to 6 AM.

Day 3: Outside again, enjoying a little "me time" when I car goes racing by the plant (this is not unusual as I've been dodging cars trying to cross the street from the parking lot every day so far!). 2 seconds after the car, I hear clicking, only to see a dog chasing "doggedly" after said car. Dog was hauling ass. Made me giggle. Minutes after that, I hear the clippity clop of horse hooves. The Amish coming to town. AWESOME! I love Amish people. They remind me of home. And my mom's cleaning lady.

Day 3 1/2: Go to have utilities put into my name. Am told to bring copy of lease or receipt of rent payment. Have NEITHER so we fake it! Sort of felt like a squatter in the wild west. Stood in the utilities office and listened to customer service person bitch because she didn't know who the landlord was, and SHE KNOWS EVERYONE. Uh huh... great. Thank God for cell phones and landlords who are a) good ol' boys and b) don't give a shit about paperwork!

Day 4: My boss finally returns from his trip. He was in Vegas. Likes to throw the bones! Instantly realize that this poor man is exhausted and frustrated and wasn't kidding when he told me during the interview that I would "hit the ground running". Fear the worst, but strangely looking forward to it.

Day 4 1/2: Having Internet/cable installed. Apparently house was not wired for cable after it was remodelled. Watched cable guy bootleg off the dish system that is on the roof. Nice... He did give me directions to a good furniture store but then I had to listen to his story about his fiance and how she's working at the new women's prison in town (who knew!) and is now making $15/hour. Yee haw muther fucker...

Day 5: Actually have consistent work to do, interestingly enough. Am praised because I do it immediately (as if?) and then asked if I would work Saturday AM on budget stuff. Right on... This I understand! Am invited to dinner. Go to dinner with other co-workers, am sent home with an open bottle of wine. Decide I can probably live here after all... Target or no Target... maybe! Realize I can walk home from bars, if so desire! Am told, in an aside, to google one of my coworkers. Ask why... and get the least obvious reason... he was on the Dr. Phil show. New I hated that show for a reason! Google first thing when I get home!

Saturday I venture out towards KC. Find a casino. Stay at casino. Win at casino. Drive home dreading killer deer that are probably gunning for my car! Make it home safely!

Sunday, messing around in Facebook and find out that my new company has a group on FB and it's a sanctioned group, so you can only be a member if you have a copany e-mail address. Verified. Realize that I can NOT be friends with the people at work via facebook. Am hiding for now! Won't be long though... dammit! Glad I wasn't on Dr. Phil...

Today, the forecast was for 2 inches of snow. We got somewhere between 5 & 7 inches (yes, folks, it's the first time I've had 7 inches in Missouri...tee). Did I bring the shovel with me? No. So as I'm going to the shovel store, I've got the local radio station on and people are calling in just BITCHING up a storm about the condition of the roads. And the announcer says, "well folks, it is mighty cold out there... that beet juice just isn't working in these low temperatures (10 degrees)" and I'm all like what?!!? I've heard of salt not working, but did I just really hear beet juice? So I google it. And sure enough, beet juice mixed with road salt has been tested for the past year. This "brew" is supposed to be safer to the ecosystem, your vehicle and the roads themselves. It's called Geomelt. And while this town doesn't have a Target, a coffee house or a book store to speak of... it uses beet juice for ice control. Go figure!

I have to use specific orange trashbags for municipal trash pickup on Wednesday morning, but I can put recycling in anything and it will be fine. I'm cool with that as well. I'm a recycler. I'm living in a farm community. It's green.

I like it here so far. I'm not used to the lack of traffic in the mornings. And it's very quiet in my neighborhood, which is cool. The cats are amusing themselves with what I think is a mouse in the ceiling (everyone has 'em, I'm told!) and the house stayed very comfortable when it was 2 outside the other day. I'll venture out this weekend to find a dry cleaners and then next week I'll go to my "summer home" before heading to the parental units for Christmas day. It'll all work out. And in the mean time... I got a paycheck. And I'm damned excited about that!

The Stories start...

2008-12-11T19:48:00.014-05:00

I have officially arrived in my new state!

I had to blog, to myself, on paper with pen. You remember those plastic things? Yes, I utilized the manual method (no batteries either) until I finally got cable Internet today! I've been without my computers since Friday of last week, and although I have Internet access on my phone, I find that you really can't blog on a 3 inch keyboard! At least, not effectively. I believe I've been beat by technology... as if that hasn't happened before.

Anyhow... my move further into the Mid-West went reasonably well thanks to the many who prodded my ass along! Even the "Northern cavalry" (G) came to my rescue. And "South Indy" saved my ass big time early in the week, as did my Auntie. I was pathetic, but thank God my friends love me!

G and I loaded up the cars on Saturday AM about 4 in the morning. I'm sure the neighbors thought I was skipping town or some shit. Whatever. You losers never spoke to me before, you can kiss my ass now! It was freezing and little did I know, it was starting to snow just west of us... right where we were headed. So, in our two cars, we drove 7 hours (and I will NOT discuss that trip) to my new little hovel. It's really not a hovel, it's just really small. To me. To others, it's a decent size starter home. I thought my previous home was a starter home. But I digress!

After we arrived and unpacked our cars, we waited for the Movers to show up. They were late, but really, I didn't mind too much. I was mush. 4 hours of sleep, bad roads and a long drive had created a mindless blob that really just wanted a couch or bed! So, we're on the front steps (2) waving at the movers! And the driver, Brian, gets out and says "you obviously weren't kidding when you said it was smaller". Thanks. Dick. This is a $500 rental, that was a mortgage payment. Ass. Every once in a while, he'd look at me and sort of shake his head, like I'd come down in the world or something. I'm all ready to scream "I picked the best one" when G suggests that I go pick up lunch. Now this I can do!

I head down into down (3 blocks) to hit KFC because one, it looked good, and two, I didn't remember what else we passed by! I pull into the drive-thru to the speaker and I sit there...waiting...waiting...waiting and no one's taking my order! WTF! I drive thru, thinking maybe the speaker is out. Yeah, NO! Damn KFC is for LEASE and I, in the most OBVIOUSLY OUT OF STATE CAR, just sat there like a dumb fuck for 3 minutes or so. Clearly, I need to pay attention!

So, back to the hut I go with McDonald's because honestly? at this point? I would have eaten sawdust and liked it!

After 7 hours in the car, with 2 pissed off cats stuffed in a dog crate together, getting up at 3 AM, driving in sleet, freezing rain and snow, having G say I drove like a granny and where's my cane... all I want is for Bruce and Brian, the twin bros moving dynamo, is to set up the bed or the couch and get the fuck out! But.. NO! Apparently they thought G and I were a tag team sex duo (which we are... for the right dudes). Go figure. I'm all like... here's your cash tip, LEAVE! To be fair, I did feed them lunch, I didn't hover and I hadn't showered in 36 hours, so I could totally see where "sexy" came to mind. I had GAME. I had B.O., let's get real. I smelled like ass, my hair was greasy, my back was out and G was sitting on the couch snickering and saying "he was hitting on you". Nu..uh. No way. But then, how many movers have given you two hugs! Hell, I would have misread that too!

Within 15 minutes of their departure, the cats were let free and G and I were head to foot asleep on the mighty sectional (which, ironically, is too big for this room!) We slept for 3 hours. I would have showered then, but there was no shower curtain (damn me for not taking the one from my "summer home" upon G's suggestion!). Off to WalMart I go, list in hand, ready to help the economy and glad I don't know a sole since I look like death warmed over!

Sunday, we're up at the ass crack of dawn. I heat up cinnamon rolls thinking we're going to bum around, but no... G's back at work, unpacking boxes and folding packing paper. She's so good! I'm walking around mumbling... coffee, shower...she gave me one single job, and I finished that about an hour after she left! I didn't unpack the computer until last night. I mean, really, what was the point! By the time G left, I was a mess yet again! I was nervous about the new job, I was nervous about her driving home, I was excited and unsure of myself. And oddly, ready for bed at 8:30. I'm sure it was the time change! In my mind, I'm thinking that I'll be a good addition, but then I have to make friends all over again, watch out that I don't offend someones cousin by marriage that works with their aunt on their mommas side. You think I'm kidding? Every body knows every one and/or is related to someone. It's like being in the south all over again! But I calm myself down with the pleasant thought of a paycheck. Money... ahhh, how sweet.

Stay tuned for updates on Day 1 - 5... I told you I would have stories!!!

Various Words on a Page

2008-12-02T22:58:00.025-05:00

A while back, I told Mom that a blog was like an online journal. I keep, and have kept for many years, journals. I haven't kept once since the day I moved here. I've been wondering why that was and came to the realization that maybe, just maybe, I lost a part of myself when I moved here. Because, let's face it, this has been the worst year of my life! Hands down! And I've gone through some pretty shitty stuff as an adult!

When I moved to the deep South (my first move without Mom's help), I had great stories of the old men watching my movers unload the truck. They literally pulled lawn chairs out to watch. And comments? Oh, they had comments! I could have told you about being a minority in the south, and yet watching the older African-Americans move off the sidewalk when I walked by (I didn't like that). Or about how I would stuff my kitten in my backpack and walk around town. (That's not a euphemism, I swear!)

When I moved to the mid-South, as I call it, I had stories of my freaky neighbors who had limos as every day vehicles (they called Mom the other day looking for me, in fact), of making new friends thru their husbands (tee!), of my motorcycle, of experiencing the festivals in town, of working the beer tents and dragging my recyclables to the recycling center in a convertible!

When I moved North, I had even better, if not slightly "unpublishable", stories! I met great people, I received my first and only May Day flower. On the day I moved in, the mayor of the town brought me homemade cookies (ex-dumb ass thought she was the mayors' wife, sexist narcissistic pig!), I had the best neighbors and I had fun. And a garden! And a motorcycle. And pictures of me cross country skiing and subsequently falling. I attended council meetings, I gave my two cents, but I never said "you should do this because where I come from". And I fit in.

When I moved here, I thought it would be great. But only when I lost my job did I start living the city, so to speak. I went to the movies for the first time about 3 weeks ago. Seriously... 15 months, no new movies. My interaction was limited to a club I joined to watch football, the occasional late meal with a co-worker and continually calling another friend to tell her I was still at work at 8 PM at night. Oh and the Gay Pride parade! This job, this plant in particular, took away my life. And I let it. I worked 10 - 12 hours a day. I worked weekends, I worked from home. I had no stories, other than the bad ones. I followed a bad relationship which I knew would end (I had to learn). And I accepted that. I accepted being treated as less than I deserved by a plant manager who undercut his entire staff. And I started to believe I was a second rate person. I lost my confidence and my direction. And I got fired. ME! FIRED! It was a great day! Serious relief. And that's just sad, after being with the company 7 years (and getting 4 weeks of vacation, dammit!)

And now, as I am set to depart for yet another Midwest town, working for another multinational, multi-billion dollar corporation, I realize that I already have control back. I am SURE that I will have stories. In fact, I believe people will go out of their way to make my acquaintance. I will have to learn again how to live in small town America (eek). But it will not be the no name, characterless suburb that I live in now.

I'm not dogging where my friends live or the city itself. I chose the wrong living situation. I am going to miss my sugar momma and my hotelqueen so much. And I only really got to "live" in the last 3 months. As always, when I move, I fail to realize that I have impacted peoples lives for the good. What they may not know is that, at this moment, if it wasn't (weren't?) for them, I would be in the fetal position, powerless to pay my bills, let alone get out of bed. I'll take some credit, but really, these people that stood by as I lost myself are here with me now as I find myself. They rallied around me, watching me in my unemployment hamster wheel. I confided in them and trusted them and they did the same in return. They are content here. I'm not.

I tried to stay. Sort of. I mean, yes, I networked the hell out of the area. But my only reason was because I owned a home here. I have no ties, not really. I don't know how to explain it, without potentially offending someone. I really wanted to go back North, but it wasn't in the cards. I am one of the lucky few who found work in a short amount of time. Others of my profession have been out of work for 9 months to a year. Some have had their houses foreclosed, others have moved in with their parents. I know I joke about "working" the bus station so I didn't have to move home, but I am lucky to have parents that would and did support me. And I think they want their daughter back as well!

So, I write this blog as a testament to having my life back. To starting my journals again, to making stories and blogging about nonsense. I wish I had a good memory, because seriously? Those stories about the deep South were pretty damn entertaining.

Oh... and while packing today, I found my journals from junior and senior high! I can't wait to open a bottle of 3 Buck Chuck some night and read into the wee hours. And who knows, maybe I'll post the hilarity!

Sincerely though, thank you to those that are affected by this. You know my take on it... I'm giving you some place new to visit!

My new digs...

2008-12-01T16:44:00.008-05:00

I went to my new "location" last week to do a little house/apartment hunting. I have to rent since my home in the "other" midwest state won't go on the market until January or later. Two reason's there... one, it's not ready to sell and two, I feel the market will be better after the holiday season. Wishful thinking? Probably. I'm pretty naive at times!

I roadtripped over there on Monday. On Tuesday morning, I spoke to several different people, listened to their positive comments on their town of 6000 and why I shouldn't move to the town of 9000 (where, in fact, I will be moving). But here's a breakdown of the housing I was shown:

1. 3 bedroom "envelope" house (has something to do with the heating/cooling system) - $800. Pretty cool house, but too rich for my blood. (pictured)

2. 1 bedroom apartment behind the beauty shop - $425

3. 2 bedroom plus "loft" with tuck under parking - $575

4. Quaint 3 bedroom ranch in the "other" town - $500

I took option 4. After being told that, and I quote, "a good looking, single woman like you, who has a job, should have no problem finding a man to show you a good time in this town", I wanted to run... RUN as fast as I could. He was church going guy, not a bible thumper, mind you (his words, not mine) but he had a woman (Thank you LORD for that small favor).

I then met up with "B" who will be my landlord. I found him by going to his wife's hair salon (which he built) and then turning left at the Subway and then a right at the stop sign. He's a good old boy, has 35 properties in town...and will let me have the cats!

Then, I saw this... and no, it's not the Farmers State Bank. Oh yeah.. I almost cried!

And this is for Lea in SC...

Business in the front....

2008-11-24T00:16:00.017-05:00

I went to a great show last night. And in between bands... my people watching obsession was highly rewarded.

Apparently this dude has had his picture taken many a time because, honestly, he stopped and posed. And who likes to make fun of someone when they know you're making fun of them?? (not me!)

The ever present mullet. Business in the front, party in the back!

But enjoy the video snippets I took... of the concert. Not the mullet.

Papa Roach... awesome but short! The show, not the singer! He brought his son out on stage and let him spray silly string on the fans!

Staind... I can not say enough, but it was short! I guess for what we paid for 4 bands, I should not be complaining! And I was home before midnight on a Sunday night!

Seether put on a great show too, but the videos are worse than these!! I won't quit my day job... oh wait... I do have a job.... stay tuned!!

Pass it on....

2008-11-20T23:23:00.008-05:00

I did a good deed today! And it sort of reminded me of that movie. Or maybe it's a commercial where the person does something and the only thing that ask is that the person pay it back? Or pass it on?? I don't remember... but;

I've been at the airport a few times this week. With the new parking situation, I took great pains to ensure I knew where I was parked and which bus to get on. When you're a numbers person, it become easy to memorize the shelter number or parking deck number. I still remember my ex-husbands SSN!

However, many were not as... proactive.

Tuesday night I watched an "older" gentleman walk around aimlessly looking for his car. I knew right away when he got on the bus that he'd be lost. He wasn't even sure if he was in the right lot. But I was soooo tired, I got in my car and went home.

Thursday night, I got on the bus and talked to a few people who were already on their second bus trip through the lot because they, too, had gotten on the wrong bus the first time around. They lamented at how, previously, they were on autopilot. They new exactly where they parked, they'd done it so many times.

So tonight, as I was pulling out to go through the exit, I noticed a gentleman who looked really frustrated. So I offered to drive him through the lot a few times. I swear, he was majorly close to an anxiety attack and just kept thanking me profusely, saying I was so nice, why would I do this, so I explained that the other day, I wasn't so selfless... I was very selfish. And when we finally found his car (30 minutes later!) he wanted to pay for my parking and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving.

I didn't do it for the money (which, NO I didn't let him pay), I didn't do it for any other reason than the hope that he would help someone else someday. Seriously. I had a flat tire once in 10 degree weather and some nice guy put my donut spare on for me. (For that I was willing to put out!) This was my way of paying that back, since the wind chill was maybe 20 degrees!

****Soap Box Alert****

I wanted to share my experience as the holiday season approaches. I urge you to take food to the shelters, volunteer on Thanksgiving Day if you are not obligated to family plans and don't have extra money (my plan!) and make a personal donation of your time. Go to the Dollar Store or Aldi's and buy $10 worth of canned goods and drop it off at a church even if you don't belong. Doesn't matter. Do something. My HOA is actually taking food/money donations this Sunday, so I will be sharing in that giving along with another drive a club I'm associated with is having. Take clothes to Goodwill, especially that Members jacket that's been hanging in your closet (it's NEVER coming back into style).

Feel good that you were able to do something this year, even though the economic crisis has probably affected each and every one of us in some way. But the fact that we're blogging, emailing and texting proves that we each have a little extra time, at least, to share. And it'll make you feel GOOD!

Pirates???

2008-11-19T15:03:00.003-05:00

I've taken to leaving the TV on news channels because the birthing sounds from TLC was driving me insane!

So, what do I hear? Pirates are taking over the seas off of Africa. Really?? CNN, Fox News, ABC... they are all talking about it. I thought I was hearing things! But I suppose that times like these bring out desperate measures in people. Hijacking major ships, India sinking ships, and holding captains captive is back in the media.

My only experience with Pirates was back in SC.... Thanks Lea!

Joining the TMI Tuesday Bandwagon

2008-11-18T20:52:00.023-05:00

I'm stealing from Project Christopher... wow... like that's something I've never done before.

I'm sort of brain dead right now, but it struck me that lately, even though I'm not working "outside the home", I never do these surveys things that are sent to me. Why not, you ask? Well, obsessively clicking "send/receive" on my e-mail box to see if any headhunters had e-mailed me was wwaaaayyy more productive, don't you think?

1. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?

It was right after the last hurricane and we had gale force winds. I was visiting Mom, going to a professional football game and the lights were out at her house. Now... I've snuck in and out of that house a few times (lies), but seriously? It was "more darker" than when I was in high school. Or so I hear. My cell phone rocked!

2. On a scale of 1-10, how comfy are you being naked?

Hmmm, by myself, I'm up to an 8 because I'm SURE that someone will come to the door (hellllooo Mr. UPS driver!!) But generally I'm a 4 or 5 depending on the level of relationship. I'm like a 2 if I'm around other women!

3. What is the longest you've ever been celibate after having lost your virginity?

Hi, MOM? I'm still a virgin... because it fucking grew back! So what's that... a year? It's possibly been close to 2 years, but I find the word celibate to be so harsh. I view it as; regaining the elasticity of my youth. Tee!

4. Have you ever had sex in a car? If yes, since you were a teenager?

OK, as a teenager, it's a right of passage, correct? How many of us broke the seat in a car though... a reasonably BRAND NEW car. Right on! I rock. And YES, I've christened many a vehicle (most of them trucks) but never the current Barbie Dream Car because that would be really really hard in my advanced years! And I'm working on my elasticity. Again. Dammit.

5. When did you last use food or drink as medication?

Hmmm, Halloween for the drink. I needed to sleep and my mind was racing. It was ONE GLASS OF WINE! I'm such a cheap, easy date! Food. Oh hell, all the time? In fact, I hear a mini-snickers calling my name right now! Unless I forget about it because I'm a basket case. Then I'm good!

Bonus: Name 3 words that:

a) get you excited:

employment
football
shoes

b) make you squirm:

naked (I like to say nekid)
decision
the "N" word

c) make you laugh:

mooseknuckle
fart
poop

So there you have it, folks... read it and weep!

Life begins at...

2008-11-15T15:10:00.005-05:00

Most who read my blog know that I am under 40 (barely) and act and feel about 27 (my real age.. hee!)

Anyhow, my Aunt told me a quick anecdote that I wanted to share.

My Grandpa is 90 years old and lives in an assisted living facility (aka his apartment) in Illinois. My Aunt looks after him, fields all the phone calls and deals with him almost daily. Some days he knows her name, some days he doesn't. But we're all learning to adjust, and I give her big props for integrating him into her daily life.

Like everyone else, my Grandpa needs to feel productive, which at his age is limited to certain endeavors. Auntie got him involved with Meals on Wheels (not to be confused with Welcome Wagon, MOM!) where he volunteers 2 of 3 days a week getting the meals ready for delivery. Or socializing, I'm not really sure which! A couple of weeks ago, he had a cold and was insistent that my Aunt remember to call him in sick. It was so cute, in that "old person" cute way! Of course it wasn't cute when he started calling the local car dealerships because we took his car and he wanted to drive...another story!

Apparently, there was an article in the local paper about alternative energy sources, specifically the wind turbine farms (big ass windmills over thousands of acres of land). It's really spectacular and they are popping up all over the Midwest and parts of the plain states. My Grandfather worked about 25 years ago (or more) on those original turbines. He was an Engineer and also worked on some nuclear reactor energy projects before he retired.

But I digress... I guess the article sparked something in my Grandfather because he called my Aunt immediately and explained the situation with the wind farms and informed her that "he (sic) was going to get his resume cleaned up because he was sure that they would need his assistance." How cute is that?!?!

Now, he would have forgotten about this by dinner time, but I think it's a true testament to the work ethic that has been passed down the line to me. Here's a 90 year old man who truly thinks he's going to live to 100 and he still wants to work (even though he may or may not know what the hell he's saying). That's a vast improvement to the folk I see in the unemployment line that feel the state "owes" them their unemployment insurance, treating it like a job itself.

I know I got my families work ethic... I hope I get some of their genes too!

News Flash It's Official...I'm still a girly girl....

2008-11-14T13:03:00.011-05:00

Lest there be any doubt... I can still scream and hyperventilate, much to my chagrin!

This morning, I had yet another interview. As per my routine, I jumped in the shower, did my thing, brushed my teeth, put on undies (no Spanx today, thank you!) and went into the closet to retrieve my pants. About one and a half steps into the closet, I see a mouse and my heart STOPS. I mean, it was one of those heart pounding, holy shit moments, when you think... fuck me, what do I do, WHAT DO I DO???

As I'm screaming (more like an "errpp" or an "eekk") and turning to run, one of the beasties I considered to be my favorite comes traipsing out from behind my boots and dresses, only to walk up to said mouse and pounce on it, which caused it to... wait... that's not a squeak, that a freakin' crinkle sound. What the fu-hell?

Yep, it's fake. And purple! After more than a year, one of the bastards decided they wanted to play with the crinkle mouse they'd never touched before. Seriously, over a year and from God knows what room in the house, they found it today.

SWEET JESUS... I think I wet myself a little too...

I amuse myself and that's all that matters!

2008-11-13T15:42:00.012-05:00

So, in an effort to appear more professional in my rockin' "second interview dress" I bought last weekend, I bought a pair (set ?) of Spanx (pronounced Spanks). These babies ROCK! You put them on, your pants fit better, you're smoother and things "hang" better. It's not a girdle, but a smoothing accessory! Of course, I can't seem to look like the woman in the ad, but still... I look good. Or so I thought until today, when I hurriedly dressed for an interview, put my Spanx on and got half way to the interview and realized... I had it on backwards. Not a big deal, you say? Well, if you read the product review, you would know that the Spanx come with a slit, shall we say, that would allow the wearer to, um, go potty! And with that opening, there's a hard line seam across the front. Which means that my ass, while looking ever so perky, has a hard line across it and then, because there's no support for the "crack" of my ass, it appears that I have a wedgie or no panties on at all. Spectacular, you say. Sure is sexy... and then to top it off, I realized AFTER the interview that my left pant leg was stuck in the heal of my new shoes (see previous post) for God only knows how long. I looked so HOT in my dress yesterday (complete with thigh high stockings!) that I never considered the front and back issue... WHO KNEW AND WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME?!?!?

Do I care? Well, sort of. I just hope no one got a real good look at me from behind! And if they did... do I want to work for them if they were checking out my ass?

TMI Tuesday... I guess I'm on board!

2008-11-12T10:15:00.004-05:00

OK! I see from my fellow bloggers that TMI Tuesday is a common occurrence and I should probably just get with the program. I don't have any surveys to post, I haven't determined what color my aura is on Facebook (although I did receive a blowjob shot from a friend!) and e-mail traffic has been conspicuously light in the areas of chain mail and friendship poems (don't send me any, I'm good!)

In light of this, I thought I'd share my Monday with you...

1. I didn't shower. All day, at all!
2. I went to the grocery store with no underwear on under my leggings. I did wear a bra!
3. I wore a baseball hat, one without a logo so I wouldn't embarrass my team!
4. I did the dishes.
5. I hate the plumbing in this house, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
6. I donated clothing to Goodwill.
7. I made chicken noodle soup from scratch.
8. I worked on a Christmas present as all presents this year will be homemade!
9. I built a fire and read a book.
10. I forgot to return a call.
11. I got a quote from the movers.
12. I laughed until I almost wet my leggings (no undies) with BFF North (not to be confused with BFF South or Midwest)!

And then I slept in this morning... until 8:30. And am still not in the shower!

That's it... nothing exciting, but probably TMI.

I'm on Candid Camera... right?

2008-11-10T15:21:00.011-05:00

There's a white goose in the pond behind the house. I think it's a goose, it may be a duck. I can't get a good look because the last time I was peeping out my back patio door with my binoculars (to see the headway on the deck across the way) my neighbors busted me and then snickered and shook their heads every time they saw me for a week! The deck took 3 weekends to be completed. It was consumer interest!

And why can't I use cool fonts right now? Is blogspot changing something? Spell checker has changed, that's for sure... oh hell, I digress...

Why am I looking out at the pond, you ask? Well, it's simple... I have created a monster and I swear I'm on Candid Camera. Someone is going to come to my front door with one of those big fuzzy microphones on a stick and that white haired dude is going to tell me it was all a joke, go back to watching TV, the last 2 weeks have been made up for the viewing pleasure of millions. I'll be mortified, call him an asshat and return to fighting the state for unemployment benefits.

Unfortunately, I'm not lucky. Right now I would rather wake up naked in the middle of Time Square. Seriously!

Here's the recap... Company A made an offer. Company B continues to call wanting me to fly to corporate. Company C has schedule an interview in a few days and now Company D, silent for weeks, wants me to visit their plant.

Company A is due west by 600 miles. Company B is south. Company C is local and Company D is north. Following me here?

Company B is out of the running. I just have to man up and call them this afternoon and tell a tale. Get me out of their running. Get them out of my hair.

Company C is too good to be true and it's all about the timing.

Company D is the locale I want if I have to move, would be a decent position, but is about a sure a thing as my first marriage... heh!

And Company A is so excited for my infinite arrival! I'm concerned about living arrangements there, moving all my stuff, but seriously? It's a good job with all the future opportunities if I want them. Which, of course, I do!

I just can't get over the fact that for months I made no progress, and now, I have options, too many options. I used to make million dollar decisions. Now? I can't decide what the best thing is for me. I, for once, have to put myself first. That's not something I've consciously done for a long time.

So, yes, I think someone has a camera on me. I couldn't have made this shit up if you paid me. And I wish someone would!!!

A little late on the Halloween, but...

2008-11-06T16:36:00.017-05:00

This is possibly the coolest Halloween costume yet (no, not the football player or the baseball player). The table is actually an 8 year old in my 'hood! Yes, my picture taking skills are sadly lacking. Wine and chocolate may have been involved. And a verbal exchange with some Steelers fans...

Anyhow, this kid constructed a "table" out of cardboard. And what you can't see is that his head is the napkin holder and his eyes are somewhere in the flowers. His pumpkin candy holder was attached to the table, as were 4 place settings! Adorable! Light weight! Creative. I gave him 3 pieces of candy! And the best part... his dad was at the end of the sidewalk going door to door with the boys.

And then... This UFO appears racing through the neighborhood as well. And while it's not a costume, it was definitely a treat! I mean, some guy (who apparently has been out to Area 51 and survived) comes cruising through the 'hood with this UFO on his trailer, complete with a plastic alien that I got in another shot that really sucked! Seriously, this was late in the evening! He constructed it from "left over" satellite dishes, it spun around, had a fog maker and cool lights and was just cool as hell! It had to have stood 9 feet up from a 3 foot trailer base. I, of course, conspiracy theorist that I am, had to ask if he'd ever been to Arkansaw Wisconsin! I don't think his wife was too impressed with me! I have to admit, I believe in 2 things... ghosts and UFO's. I will swear to my dying day that my friends' mothers' house had a ghost, and it laid his hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there was nothing there. I will also swear that I saw a UFO while living in that state I LOVE so much, but shall remain nameless! I saw it twice, at different ends of a lake, on 2 separate occasions. It's probably why I love Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel... and this dude, who made his obsession into something so enjoyable for the rest of us!

This anxiety attack interrupted by....

2008-11-06T15:44:00.005-05:00

Retail Therapy!!!!

Nothing makes a girl feel better than buying shoes! And a big THANK YOU goes to my Godson's mother, who had the presence of mind to send me a gift certificate for my birthday 2 weeks ago, and then remind me about said gift certificate this morning while I was in the throes of anxiety!! Girl friends... the best reality check one can have!

I'm taking a vacation day!

2008-11-06T10:17:00.010-05:00

I must admit that I have a much greater respect for the unemployed ranks than I did 2 months ago.

There is a different kind of stress related to the job search. A different stress related to paying bills. And a different stress when you realize that you just went to Office Depot in your slippers (To the GeekSquad dude who snickered, you should have to shave or wash you hair or something to keep that job. Really! Dick!)

I've decided that there are quite a few stay at home dads in the neighborhood as well as the typical moms. Which is cool. But to the freaks who have their Christmas decorations up already (or even better, never took them down), I say get a life, if not a job outside the home. I walked outside last night, and since it's now dark at 6 PM, it was the first thing I noticed. Tucked waaayyy in the back of the development, there's a house with full lights, downspouts, windows, the whole shooting match. Dear God. Then, today, because we have to compete, I'm sure ... a family who was highly decorated for Halloween (and it rocked) is now putting up their musical lighted wrapped presents. Lucky neighbors will get to hear a rousing rendition of "Oh Christmas Tree" and "Hark the Herald Angels" in that tin-y, I just bought this at Wally World and it's in mono, sound.

So, that being said, the external stressors in my life have seriously changed my outlook. I'm still struggling with my internal stressors, brought on by my own inability to say NO to people while maintaining my own personal agenda and not buying into theirs. It's not easy for me, I have no idea why.

And then there's the familial stress. I love my mom, especially now that she's in a good and healthy relationship. I loved her before, but I only now realized how grounded she is in my life. And when she's gettin' some, every one is happy! (eww) She doesn't understand a word I am saying when I start talking about job offers, signing bonuses, relocation agreements or other manufacturing buzz words, but she does try. And then makes comments like... "you professional people are so different!" I'd like to point out who birthed me, but that would start a conversation about the sperm donor (who, by the way, said "good luck with that, call me when you have a job") When she calls and asks if I have money for food, or money for a house payment or batteries (kidding, but seriously right up there with kitty litter) I know she's just making sure I know I'm loved. And I am.

I've been looking at the walls of my house for well over 10 weeks, I think. I don't want to officially tally the days. But I'm taking a day off tomorrow. I'm not doing the job search, I'm not taking calls from recruiters, I may just wash the car or do the shit on my last blog that I bitched about (NOT!). Because it IS stressful being unemployed, it's not the life of ease and relaxation I figured it was. Hell, you can't SHOP for cryin' out loud. There's a stressor for ya.

If there was a pool, I'd be kicked back, sipping a beer or other adult beverage. As it is, my fat ass will be on the couch, running through the shows I DVR'ed, trying to give myself one day without berating myself or placating others.

And after dark??? I'd really like to cut some cords around here. That ain't no metaphor...

LOVE it!

2008-11-05T18:04:00.005-05:00

A little creative ditty by ApprenticeA's on YouTube. I totally stole this from another blog none of you would even look at, so it's cool, fresh, exciting... you get the point.

This dude did a four way (impressive in itself) acapella with himself in a tribute to John Williams, musical creator of Star Wars, Indiana Jones, etc.

Just watch it... it's cool. And proves what a total geek I am! Plus, I can't figure out how to embed the video, or, clearly, spell what I want to do!

******* UPDATE *********

I was schooled!! Thanks Chris! And yet, I still can't get it to work! Arrggghhh...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk5_OSsawz4

Post DST Monday...

2008-11-03T21:12:00.012-05:00

It's Monday night, which means, in my house, Monday Night Football. I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers, who are playing right now. But the game is on (in the other room) for a reason.

There are no local political ads on ESPN.

I already voted. I don't need to know anything new, I don't need to see how their last red cent was spent jabbing at the other guy. Nor do I want to listen to a certain Governor tell me that he will NEVER run for President or any other office because I just don't believe him.

Instead, I am in the throes of my own personal battles. Today, Company A made a verbal offer. Company B is suspiciously absent, although I understand they contacted a "Follower of the Transition" today for a reference (yeah team!) And now there is a Company C that I will be interviewing with on Wednesday.

I should be very proud of myself. Especially in this economy, during an election year, when I am not alone in my job search. There are a lot of qualified, professional people out there, competing for the same positions. And the rule of thumb (it takes one month for ever $10,000 of wages to find a job) is not even close to being up. My own internal calendar, however, is way over due.

Two months...TWO MONTHS... of not working have really taken their toll on me. There's no one harder on me than me and now I think things like... why didn't that painting get done, why isn't the garage organized, what happened to taking the extra clothes to the consignment shop or Salvation Army? I'm beating myself up for focusing solely on finding a new career (note, I did NOT say new JOB!) Did I not shower 95% of the time I was "on sabbatical"! Did I not pay all my bills on time? Did I not learn how to shop with coupons and at the Dollar Tree? Have I not learned a lot about myself during this time?

I have, and I should cut myself a break. But while unemployment was overwhelming in itself, future relocation and employment and starting all over again is totally overwhelming in a new, albeit, better way.

This tickled me!

2008-10-31T22:06:00.005-04:00

I alluded to a picture from one of my hotel stays this week so I had to share it.

As a set up, I was in the Midwest, where it is currently bow season for deer. I'm not sure the timing has ANYTHING to do with what I found in my hotel room, but I'm trying to apply logic where, well, maybe I shouldn't!

I checked into my hotel, pleased to note that it had wireless, and did a cursory inspection of the facilities. After hanging up my interviewing attire, I went to unload the toiletries, and this is what I find...

Yes, on the counter in the bathroom is this laminated note explaining the proper use of towels. Stopped me dead in my tracks. Especially the "Cleaning Guns" part. But for the life of me, I couldn't find any of those "Pieces of Stained, But Laundry Clean, Toweling Here" for my use. Nope, not a one. And trust me, I tried! Ends up the towels were kinda scratchy.....

My jet set life!

2008-10-30T21:32:00.002-04:00

Who knew you could fly around the country when you aren't gainfully employed!

I interviewed with Company A on Wednesday in the Midwest. I interview with Company B on Friday in the South. I was home less than 12 hours between the trips on Thursday and am beginning to realize that I can cross "regional sales force" positions off my list.

Thanks to my sugar momma for lending me computer access. Without her I couldn't have accepted the second interview as I was sitting in the airport going to the first interview.

Wait... should I really be thanking her?!?!

When I get home and have a keyboard usable with my fashionable finger nails, and about 18 hrs of sleep, I will share my insight as to the whirlwind week I've had.

And there may be a pic in there...

Pole or Poll...

2008-10-28T11:44:00.006-04:00

I had a friend ask me today if I was working the POLE yet! And of course I responded with a resounding... NO! I'm working the POLLS. (I even had to make sure my spelling was correct via dictionary.com)

This job search thing is sort of like whoring myself out. I have to be flexible, negotiate a rate, I have to dress a certain way and there has to be benefits. I'm marketing myself, just like the those in the oldest profession!

If I don't get a job soon, I will be workin' the pole... tee hee! I'm sure I could find a place that accommodated my special body type, allowed me to laugh hysterically (and potentially wet my g-string..ewww) as I twirl around. I already have the shoes! And maybe an outfit or three. I've learned that there are 2 different kinds of poles (stationary and rotating) I've always wanted to try my mad skilz on one! But gravity is no friend, so I'll be doing most of my show upside down!

I just don't think working the POLLS will result in anything but a potential sugar daddy! Which would be a job in itself, right?

It's a paying gig...

2008-10-27T20:12:00.006-04:00

I voted today. I love to VOTE. It was an awesome experience when I was 18, it's an even better experience today!

Early voting in my state is for those that will be unable to stand in line, the operative word being "stand". And for other reasons, but essentially it's like absentee voting, but in person. I got the notice in the mail from the Obama campaign, but I wonder if that will backfire on him.

At 10 AM, I'm in a line of maybe 5 people and all of a sudden...I have an epiphany... ding ding ding... they always need people to work the polls! After voting, I walk my self in there and said "I would like to talk to someone about working on Election Day." And this woman looks at me for like 30 seconds and says...

"I don't think we've had someone your age want to work in all the years I've been here!"

Nice... I must look really young today.

It's $75. I'll declare it on my unemployment... if I ever get any!

When it rains... you get wet...

2008-10-27T16:42:00.006-04:00

Last week, I was feeling a bit... inconsequential. It was my birthday 'week', recruiters weren't returning my calls... it was just one of "those" weeks. I can't even blame it on hormones!

The birthday thing turned our really great. I know, I sound surprised! My (local) friends rallied around me, bought me dinners and the coup de grace... quarter beers and fifty cent tacos. When my friends celebrate, they do it up right! Seriously though, all kidding aside, nothing rocks like a 6 ounce beer and a dancing Cob of Corn (I should have taken a picture). My 'global' friends called, sent gift certificates for Shoe Carnival (retail therapy) and sent e-cards. The folks sent money and made me promise not to spend it on bills or booze (rock on!). It's good to be loved.

And then finally, the calls started again. My impression is that 3 weeks after fiscal year end, everyone has new budgets, new positions they need filled and, economy and election year be damned, they are starting the process. I was Phone Screen Queen Thursday. Knocking 'em out and knocking 'em dead! I impressed! I worked it. I was on top.

And then I realized... oh shit... I'm going to have to say NO to someone. I hate saying no. I know I mentioned this before (those companies haven't called back so I must have been kidding myself when I thought I owned those interviews!) But really. I'm in a position now that I just need OFFERS, and I have 3 very good leads in 3 very different locations and I'm freaking out already. And 2 potential leads that are, well, potential!

I can't afford my Dairy Queen fix to help me get through this! Nor Dunkin' Donuts. I must rely solely on myself (and maybe that Hershey's bar I saved for emergencies).

I hate this roller coaster. I could be fine if it weren't so tumultuous! I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably live on credit cards and eat mac 'n cheese (Foodclub, not the real stuff) for the next 3 months. And instead of volunteering at the soup kitchen at Thanksgiving, I will be eating there (they cook better than I). I'm worried about the house payment but...It's amazing the amount of people who know how long it takes for foreclosure to happen (up to 6 months). That's just downright scary. And I park in the garage so they can't repo the car if I don't go anywhere, right?

Companies are spending money to bring me to their locations... the guilt, dammit, the guilt. My mother will wonder how they accomplished that when she couldn't for all those years!

I'm jumping ahead of myself, but really? All the options I wanted are now here and they are piling up on me and it's creating more anxiety. It's raining phone calls (why not men, dammit!) and my umbrella is made of netting...

Just for 20 minutes... I swear...

2008-10-21T12:16:00.001-04:00

more animals

Compartmentalizing....

2008-10-21T11:22:00.000-04:00

I'm not so good at compartmentalizing my life. It all seems to just flow into one mighty river of blurry days and bad reality shows.

I've had one "real" interview this week, and couple of phone screens scheduled and I've sent out more resumes yesterday that haven't netted anything today. I know... it's been one day. RELAX! But when Tuesday runs into Wednesday and all of a sudden it's mid October, and there isn't anything to break those days up, it gets sort of tough.

So here's to compartmentalizing. Put my issues into little boxes. Giving them each a little time. Let's break it down and see what we're left with...

Redefining self, instead of thinking that my job defines me. I don't have a job... I need a new definition. 30 minutes. Probably not enough!

Moving forward. Some days I don't want to dress or shower... 30 minutes to get to the shower, 30 minutes to shower and dress, 30 minutes of standing in the middle of my kitchen thinking...hmmm... something needs to be done here, what is it? That's progress!

What do I really want? I can't make people do what I want. I need a plan to manipulate the world... 45 minutes.

Finances. Money. I could obsess about this all day. 1 hour

I have effectively used up 3 hours and 45 minutes of a 8 hour work day, if I were to get up at say...7:30. So what to do the other 4 hours and 15 minutes? Revisit my boxes... because I can't compartmentalized (i just like the word!)

On a good note, I found out that I can buy a 6 pack of bottled water for $1 at the Dollar Tree! See, even a blind nut finds a squirrel.

No No NO Sarah Palin

2008-10-18T17:51:00.000-04:00

I don't want to get all political and have people debate my presidential choice or my party of choice. So this is totally a non-partisan blog, because, well, I'd be doing the same thing if Joe Biden made this decision. But I just can't agree with this at ALL. In catching up on my blogs from yesterday, I read that Sarah Palin is going to be on Saturday Night Live to do a parody of Tina Fey....

It wasn't funny when Sarah said she could see Russia from her house, but Tina saying it makes me wet my pants... why ruin it for thousands of Americans?!?! And probably a few Canadians and Russians as well, because you know they're laughing their asses off about our country as it is...let's give them more fodder!!

Take the jump to see what The Superficial says about this really bad (in my opinion) decision...

http://thesuperficial.com/2008/10/sarah_palin_confirmed_for_satu.php

Interviewing for "Fun"... It's all the rave...

2008-10-16T20:37:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who considers herself a professional interviewer (LOVE YOU!). At first I thought this meant that she interviewed people as part of her job. Logical to me. Perhaps I am, at times, too literal! While not specifically looking to change positions, she occasionally posts for jobs just to get the interview to keep up her skills.

Skills... uh huh... I have them. Mad skillz... Rockin' resume... check. Fashionable suit... mini-check. Awesome shoes... semi-check (you can never have enough shoes). Great hair... hell ya double check! So I'm ready to interview and get offered every job that I interview for... right?

Clearly, after 7 weeks, not right! Rockin' hair and great nails does not, the job offer, create...

So today I interviewed for fun. Yeah, fun. I thought... OK, I don't really want to move, I'm not highly interested in this industry, but I need to get out there and interview! Again, logical thinking. After so many phone screens, seeing real people in the work place (besides Dunkin' Donuts and Family Dollar) would be a novelty!

But somewhere along the line, I forgot the real reason I spent 2 1/2 hours in the car, an hour hanging out at the parking lot of Wendy's (time change to CST AND biggie fries) and another two and a half hours in a plant that clearly needed a department of three, not just one. I did so well that they made time for me to take a plant tour and meet another manager, all completely unscheduled. And I feel guilty as hell.

I realize that there are a multitude of others that will be interviewing for this position. I realize it's a multi-billion dollar global company. But what I didn't realize was that they would LIKE ME!

This was supposed to be my guinea pig interview, where I acted like myself, didn't play with my hair, spoke clearly and concisely and without saying "ya know" and "things of that nature". (I did actually slip and say "right on"... Dear God) This was the interview where I proved to myself that I deserve to be a person of interest! And I was... and I rocked... although I may have crossed the too much eye contact comfort zone at one point.

But I don't want the job, and now I feel fake, and it doesn't make me feel very good.

The Woes of Unemployment

2008-10-14T11:15:00.000-04:00

I have been unemployed for 7 weeks now. It's been a very colorful and interesting journey. But today beats them all.

Unemployment can be handled on line. Except there are no explanations, bizarre FAQ's and no one returns e-mails.

Unemployment can be handled by going to the office a mere 5 miles away. But don't go dressed up. Or carrying a name brand hand bag. The customer service people will tell you that they are there to help you help yourself. Uh huh... and that means exactly...what? I thought the theory of being an employed person meant that one would perform a service... right? So technically... a person who works at the unemployment office is just another bureaucratic idiot set out to MAKE it look they are helping me, but in fact, I am doing all the work. Uh huh... good...

Unemployment can be handled via the phone. Not very quick, usually very painful, but often, when "Ellen" isn't very entertaining, the phone passes the time quickly. I have the number memorized, the voice mail process down to a science, and I'm sure they know my voice by now.

But today... today topped them all.

This morning, I'm trying to get in touch with someone regarding my claim and there's a recording that says... and I kid you not... "we are unable to take your call due to an administrative evacuation of the building". Uh huh... so of course I have to call back 3 more times before I truly believe this...

WTF??? Bomb threat? Fire drill?

Bizarre.... who's the idiot that thought this would be an appropriate course of action....

Things that amuse me...

2008-10-13T20:37:00.000-04:00

I am so easily amused (see blog list below... it's proof).

The other day, I was passed by a van that advertised "Ash Wipes". I was like...what, uh, really? And then, in small print... "chimney sweeps". There I was, giggling at 65 MPH. Lovely and professional.

I will hire them when I get a job! Along with my landscaper (miss you Steve) and a housekeeper (domestic support for the lazy).

And we all know I have WAY too much time on my hands, not enough time to dust, but you get the point.

But did you know... craigslist is the mecca of untapped hilarity! Whodda thunk it?

AND... I can get an "adult" gig if I want. True! I can! I'm not there yet (MOM!)

Check it people... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

I may not be able to find cools pics for the Twilight phenomena, but I can rock craigslist!

Someday I'll share my post...that NO ONE responded to! Asshats!